By age 5, children have a decent sense of emotional understanding and self-control, but that understanding doesn’t always equate to obedience. Parents who find their 4-year-olds especially defiant should enhance their disciplinary strategies. Luckily for moms and dads, children this age are relatively easy to handle, and you can apply the classic disciplinary techniques, such as the time-out or removal of privileges, along with more modern strategies, such as emphasizing the emotions of the child or parent.
Time For a Break
Call it old-fashioned, but the time-out is still as useful today as it was when you were a kid. The point of a time-out for a 4-year-old is to remove her from a distracting environment. Defiance often stems from intense emotions or peer pressure, both of which can come from an immediate environment or stimulus. Taking your 4-year-old out of a negatively engrossing environment and into a peaceful, quiet room can give her some time to calm down. Take advantage of the time-out while you can, as your child will prefer being alone in her room when she’s older, making such a punishment useless.
The Why Behind the Rules
A defiant child already knows the rules; otherwise, he would be ignorant and not defiant. But that doesn’t mean you’re done explaining the rules. Sometimes moms and dads just need to explain the importance of rules in terms kids understand. In his book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” developmental psychologist John Gottman points out that children raised in households that discuss instead of order tend to be more obedient. Gottman recommends parents talk to their young children about why rules should be followed rather than simply say, “You’ll do as you’re told because I’m the parent.” Reiterate the rules in terms a 4-year-old will understand, which means putting the focus on him. For example, restate the rule against hitting by telling your 4-year-old, “If your brother hit you, how would you feel? It would hurt, right? So we have a rule: Nobody hits anybody. This way nobody gets hurt.” As a creative and painless form of discipline, ask your child to explain the reasoning behind the rule to ensure he’s able to internalize the logic.
React, Even Overreact
A fun and useful discipline idea is to overreact when your child is defiant. A child at age 4 is sensitive to her parents’ emotions, though is still without a fully developed sense of body language. A defiant child might act in a defiant way because she thinks her actions, such as repeating “No” in response to a request, are cute or funny. In such a situation, show your disapproval by exaggerating your feelings. Put on a big frown and say, “I am very sad about what you’ve said. I don’t feel very happy right now.” A child who’s being defiant for defiance’s sake will often empathize with his mom and reconsider his actions. But while useful, this technique should not be your main weapon, as children will catch on to your overreactions soon enough. And be sure your words and facial expressions match your true feelings; overreacting is not lying but illuminating what your 4-year-old cannot immediately see: Their actions are upsetting their parents.
Defiance in children is essentially an abuse of the privileges parents are nice enough to give. A 4-year-old who is defiant likely does not see the link between her actions and her liberty. As a parent, you can make this link more salient by temporarily taking away your child’s privileges when you find her abusing them. Gottman recommends this type of discipline for defiance because it not only shows children that parents are in control of the extent of a child's freedom but also because it also can link a specific action to a specific consequence. For example, if your child won’t stop playing his handheld video game system at dinnertime, you could discipline him with a day without video games. When you remove privileges in this way, you show your 4-year-old that all actions have consequences and that an abuse of privileges tends to result in a restriction or loss of enjoyable activities.